Everything You Need To Know About Last Week’s News #29

In reverse order of importance:

J.J. Abrams, who recently directed the Star Trek reboot, will now direct the new “Disney” Star Wars movie, prompting a plethora of Internet jokes about “crossing the streams” or about how “Futile, Resistance Is.”

Scientists say dung beetles use the Milky Way to navigate.

As a final move, outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced that women will officially be allowed to serve in combat. So what have they been doing all these years, anyway?

Senator Diane Feinstein introduced a bill to re-ban assault weapons. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if it passed, but since even Democrats know their constituents don’t want it, I give the bill a 40% chance of passing the Senate and a 0% chance of passing the House. You can quote me on that as a Certified Pundit Prognostication, but don’t hold me accountable if I’m wrong.

President Obama got inaugurated. Michelle Obama wore a dress. BeyoncĂ© lip-synced. Obama talked about ending “perpetual wars” while authorizing drone strikes in foreign lands.

A district court ruled that Obama’s “recess” appointments were unconstitutional. It’s being described as a “setback for the Obama administration.” False. It is a victory for decentralized government.

North Korea threatened the United States and prepared to test a nuclear weapon underground. I would be a little concerned, but when Fox News says the nuclear threats are likely “overblown,” they must be really overblown.

The China-Japan island dispute is in a “cool down” phase, at least for now. I’m still bullish that nothing terrible will come out of this, though we may see a few more rounds of “escalation” and “cool down.”

Meanwhile, France seemed to be gaining ground against the Islamic militants in Mali. Violence erupted in several Egyptian cities, further straining the country’s transition to democracy. The Syrian civil war is either “slipping away” from the government, or is “never going to end.”