Everything You Need to Know About Last Week’s News #20

In reverse order of importance:

PSY’s “Gangnam Style” passed something by Justin Bieber as the most viewed Youtube video of all time. When future historians write about the decline of America as a cultural export, they will start here.

Hostess teased the world with reports that talks were resuming and they might not actually go bankrupt, but the truth finally came out. The end of the world is still proceeding as scheduled.

San Francisco passed a law limiting public nudity, proving that the city has become so liberal that somehow it has wrapped around and is actually becoming more conservative now.

Florida senator Marco Rubio upset some pundits with his clever non-answer answer to a question about the age of the earth. The pundits were disappointed that Rubio didn’t commit a “standard conservative gaffe,” and they also forgot that Obama has given similar clever non-answer answers to irrelevant religious queries.

The World Bank released a report about what the world would look like with 4 degrees of warming by the end of a century that has had roughly 0 so far. Because, you know, bankers are such experts on climate change.

Federal government departments paid tens of thousands of dollars for oil portraits of secretaries like Tom Vilsack and Lisa Jackson. I never cease to be amazed at the creativity and restraint shown by our government employees when we give them millions of dollars to spend; they spent $40,000 on Lisa but only $22,000 on Tom – what a bargain!

NASA scientists claim to have discovered something “earthshaking” in the Mars rover’s soil sample analysis, but they won’t tell us what it is yet while they double-check it. This is part of NASA’s brilliant strategy to increase public support by encouraging people to speculate wildly so that when the real news is released everyone will be much less excited than they would have been otherwise.

A judge has temporarily blocked that San Antonio school from expelling the girl who refused to wear the RFID tracking chip that would help the school grab federal money without actually having to take roll or make sure their students are in their seats or any of those other silly expectations that some people still have about the public school system.

In response to Israel’s defense against rocket strikes from Hamas, President Obama said, “No country on Earth would tolerate missiles raining down on its citizens.” Clearly, the Commander-in-Chief of relentless drone strikes on Pakistan and Yemen meant to say, “No country on Earth would tolerate non-American missiles raining down on its citizens.”

Israel and Hamas actually reached some sort of cease-fire agreement, perhaps aided by Hillary Clinton and new Egyptian president Mursi, who is now dealing with protests at home after he cleverly gave himself (temporary!) dictatorial powers.

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2 Responses to Everything You Need to Know About Last Week’s News #20

  1. Two ways to look at that first item:

    1) Bieber’s Canadian, so America’s decline started long ago.

    2) PSY and Bieber are only famous because of the American website Youtube, so there is no decline.

    • Joshua Hedlund says:

      Hmm. Perhaps I have committed the typical American sin of equating Canada as more or less part of the United States. Or perhaps by America I meant North America…

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