I see the pundits are already beginning to trot out their incredible insight about who is definitely going to win the election in a week and a half, and exactly why this is going to happen and exactly what it means. If you’re a pundit and you haven’t written your piece yet, I’m going to give you a template to help you with your writing. If you’re a reader and you haven’t read any pundit’s pieces yet, you can also read the template to save time reading all the pieces later. All you have to do is randomly circle words in the brackets below:
Why [Romney/ Obama] Will [Win / Lose] The Election
In just a few days, millions of voters will go to the polls to choose the next President. The [Republicans / Democrats] are going to experience a stunning [victory / defeat] because they’ve seriously [convinced / misjudged / fooled] the electorate this time. I correctly predicted the results of the [2010 election / 2008 election / 1984 Superbowl / fourth season of Survivor], so I am perfectly qualified to tell you why [Romney / Obama] will [win / lose] on Tuesday.
The people of this great nation are not fooled by [Romney's / Obama's] lies, and every day we are seeing new evidence of their imploding campaign. In fact, the latest scandal regarding [Libya / Big Bird] is only beginning to reverberate through the conscience of the voters, and just wait until they hear about that [lawsuit / marriage trouble / drowning of five thousand puppies] that [Romney / Obama] was involved in back in [2007 / 1991 / 1492].
Some of [Romney's / Obama's] supporters are pointing to cherry-picked polls that show their candidate leading in [Ohio / Nevada / Colorado], but you really need to look at this other poll which shows [Obama / Romney] with a decisive lead in [Florida / Virginia / New Hampshire]. The problem is that the [Gallup / Rasmussen / PPP] polls [oversample / undersample] voters who are [Democratic / Latino / gay / alpaca breeders], and quite frankly it is [ludicrous / not legitimate] to expect them to turnout at the same level they did in [2010 / 2008 / 2004 / 1776]. Seriously, just look at the numbers on [Intrade / RealClearPolitics / this bar chart I made].
It is also clear that [Romney / Obama] has a better organized campaign, with more [field offices / binders / birth control dispensers] in [Iowa / Puerto Rico / Zimbabwe], and millions of [dollars / Bitcoins] to buy [mud-slinging / sexualized] advertisements on the [television / radio / Chick-Fil-A nugget cartons]. [Obama / Romney] has also been fully utilizing the power of social media, with huge support pouring out of [Facebook / Reddit / Pinterest / some dude's blog].
[Obama / Romney] will also do a better job getting out the vote on Tuesday. They [practically / literally] have [hundreds / thousands / millions] of [volunteers / mercenaries] ready to [bus / fly / kidnap] supporters and bring them to the [polling precincts / underground lairs].
Finally, I have personally talked to [two / twelve / four thousand] people who are supporting [Romney / Obama], and I don’t know anyone who even likes [Obama / Romney]. [Gosh / Golly / Darn], what more proof do you need that we will all wake up Wednesday to a [wonderful / remarkable / suspicious] [Obama / Romney] [victory / defeat]. So get out there and [vote / visit your grandmother / buy my new book].
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